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The Cross of the Moment

5/2/2013

2 Comments

 
"It is better to say, 'I am suffering,' than to say, "this
landscape is ugly."

--Simone Weil

I don't know if at the time that she wrote this sentence Ms. Weil was familiar with the psychoanalytic concept of projection, but she clearly understood that people are tempted to take their inner ugly and paste it on any surface they can find. We would rather do almost anything than bear our own suffering. Her pithy remark is a terrific reminder for me to look inside every time I notice myself finding fault with the people or circumstances of my life. 
 
Not only does it temper my fault finding, it also turns my attention to God. Because of the mystery of my brokenness, I usually don't know why I am suffering. I become aware that a lead blanket is pressing down on my heart and the feeling of it can not be explained by the circumstances of my life. Even when life is hard, I can perceive that the circumstances are only a part of the story. The rest of the story lies deep in my soul where there is an illusion of
control, a lack of gratitude for the miracle of each breath, and a failure to appreciate the beauty that pushes up through the asphalt of life like a stubborn flower. 

Only God knows the whole truth about my condition and
the way, that is, the particular process by which I may receive the grace that would awaken and lighten my heart.

When I become aware that I am projecting and choose instead to turn to God, the first feeling is of confronting a hard truth. Bam! There's nothing to do but take it in the face. Justifications are embarrassing. Analysis feels both arrogant and stupid. There's really no way around the simple suffering of truth and experiencing of powerlessness. The good news, yes there is good news, is that the truth sets us free. 

But the truth that sets us free is not a propositional statement, it is an encounter with the "the way, the truth, and the light." Statements of truth are not meant to be a substitute for the direct experience of the Christ. In my experience so far that usually feels like crawling up on an alter, knowing only that something must die.

W.H. Auden's line is apropos:
            
"We would rather be ruined than changed
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment 
And let our illusions die."
            
Another metaphor is useful here. We are like butterflies. This life is accomplishing something in our souls. While it may be understood that the caterpillar must enter a cocoon, it is sometimes forgotten that it must also go through a complete restructuring, it must become a gob of liquid before it can be re made into its final expression. The Kingdom of God is at hand and it is accomplishing something corporately and individually. There are no short cuts. We must go through it. Consenting to this process rather than projecting the pain of it out into the world is our way of co operating with God and joining him in the work that he means to finish.

2 Comments
Armin
5/21/2013 03:02:00 pm

From your words here, if I were considering Christianity, I might abondon the notion. Your hope lies in your struggle turning you toward God and anticipated grace yet unrevealed, but as an unresolved cycle in an almost despairing way. I can embrace being confronted with my ugly soul in need of healing through prepetual dying with Christ and being resurected with Christ. But this is accompanied with a joy in humility, thanksgiving, and faith of union with God in Christ toward love. Why? Because of truth preserved and taught by the church, not an individualisticly revealed truth, yet still full of experience as it is embraced to attempted to be lived out.

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David
5/22/2013 09:53:34 am

I hear you. It's probably good that I'm not an evangelist. But in a way it feels to me that I am, in your words, "considering Christianity," almost everyday. Meaning, I'm deciding whether or not I really believe, which effects the way that I live.

When faced with ongoing difficulty and unresolved questions, I find that the propositional truths contained in the Tradition are not very satisfying. For me, anyway, the kind of language and metaphor that I tried to express in the above reflection helps me to be courageous in the face of confusion and uncertainty.

"The cross of the moment" is whatever I don't want to face or feel. It represents my resistance to the transformation that I believe life itself is meant to affect. What I want to express is something about how the mundane and uncomfortable parts of life are as sacred as the elevated moments, and just as likely to bring about Union, if only I will consent to God's mysterious activity. It makes me feel very hopeful just restating it.

I appreciate the feed back... your reaction to my thoughts. I take it as a help as I try to live and write about what I am going through in my life in Christ.

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    David Norling

    I am the awestruckdumbpilgrim

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