AWESTRUCKDUMBPILGRIM
  • Home Page
  • Musings
  • Reflections on Quotes
  • Poems
  • Aphorisms
  • Non Judgmental Awareness
  • The Year of Living Slowly
  • Pastor of Listening (Description and Articles)
  • Refuse to be Driven so that you Might be Drawn
  • Contemplation (Definitions)
  • Left-handed Power
  • Thickening the Sacred Story: Narrative Therapy and Spiritual Direction
  • Spiritual Direction, Contact Information
  • The Nature of Evil

Wisdom and Clichés: Simone Weil vs. Will Power

2/12/2019

0 Comments

 
"We have to cure our faults by attention and not will." This is one of several sentences by the inimitable polymath and "great spirit" Simone Weil that has risen to the forefront of my imagination regularly for over thirty years. 
 
My world view was formed by modern American conservative Evangelicalism (M.A.C.E.) From early adulthood, I was haunted by the question "What's God's responsibility and what's mine?" Because, obviously... "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," AND "... apart from me you can do nothing." Related questions abound: What does it mean to abide? How do I know I'm acting in Christ's strength and not my own?
 
Add to this the common (oxymoronic?) Americanism, "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps," and many more injunctions to become self reliant, independent, and the master of my own destiny. Add the fact that Heroic figures are, more often than not, self possessed people with great internal fortitude. They solve their problems through will power, not attention. I suspect now that this ethos left most of us feeling weak willed and culpable for our human frailty. Which, coincidentally, distracts from the effects of the powers and principalities -- the real enemy -- not flesh and blood.
 
I found this sentence and it's alternative to "will power" in my early twenties when I was experimenting with my identity. Add to this, Ms. Weil's insight about the function of the will being no more than a pointer -- the place where one decides where to look, not the force that guides one's decisions -- and the question that had haunted me since my early teens changed from "What's God's responsibility and what's mine" to "To what do I pay attention?"
 
The following quote from Weil further clarifies the issue: "What could be more stupid than to tighten up our muscles and set our jaws about virtue, or poetry, or the solution to a problem? Attention is something quite different."
 
Yes indeed, attention is something quite different. Will is muscular and full of effort. It's expensive; it costs a lot of energy. The size of one's energy account varies based on temperament. It's always been my suspicion that it is those with a surplus of energy that are selling the stories: "Never give up," "You can do whatever you want as long as you put your mind to it."
 
Attention, on the other hand, seems hard and draining at first, but once you get the hang of it, attention requires very little energy -- and it leads one into energizing activities, including rest, and joy. 
 
"Taking yourself in hand," conversely, is a picture of doing violence to yourself, presumably for some greater good, but the point is, you can't keep it up, you'll use up your reserves. And that's when one is prone to really lose control.
 
I've noticed that it's when I'm not paying attention, when I'm functioning in auto pilot (efficiency mode) that I think I need to exercise will power and "kick myself in the pants" (why are the admonitional cliches to do better always physically impossible?). When, on the other hand, I'm awake, attentive, and unhurried, I can see clearly that where I'm looking ignites my unconscious drives. (These drives vary from person to person depending upon an almost infinite number of variables.)
 
Igniting unconscious drives sounds dangerous, right? But that assumes that all of your unconscious energy is dark. It is not. Compassion, creativity, imagination, these, and many more positive energies arise from deep within, when drawn to the surface by attention. In this way attention is very much like prayer, and worship. We become what we worship. 
 
When we're not paying attention our unconscious energies they take the wheel and drives us to the same place over and over again. This can appear to be okay, if those drives are rewarded by society. But it's not freedom and just because society approves doesn't mean it's not a fault.
 
Here's how this process works in my experience. When I'm attending to, that is listening to my inner voice(s), my body, the tone and body language of those I encounter, I am unable to act rashly. I'm simply holding too many contradictory signals and desires. (It's not as cacophonous as it sounds. We humans are capable of so much more than we realize. All these things are processed in seconds.)
 
This holding is the activity of attention, and the gravitational force that keeps one grounded in concrete realities. It's when we fail to hold the contradictory signals and desires that we float off into abstract ideologies and habitual defenses for the indefensible. The weight of these things is both a check on automatic behaviors and a part of our identity, our substance.
 
"Curing our faults" rarely means dispelling or disowning them. To be labeled a "fault" a habit of being has already cut some deep groves in the brain. It's not going anywhere soon. Curing, in this context means including it in the conversation, not as an equal voice, more as a reminder of it's presence. It's when we forget faults, or cast them into our shadow that they do the most mischief.
 
There is hope, however, eventually a fault that has been held but not acted on loses most of it's power. It's not nearly as insistent. It's a faint voice, a good reminder of one's frailty, but not a major driver of thought or action.
 
Trying to have victory over faults through will power, on the other hand, is exhausting, as I already mentioned, and it's like one of those misleading inner games where you tend to find what you're looking for, victory. When winning is the goal, we find a way to tell the story so that it sounds like a win. Meanwhile, the unattended fault is working behind the scenes, tapping into the energy poured into defeating it and taking on a different form, becoming harder still to identify.
 
A lot of faults spring from internal contradictions. For example, I was a lonely latch key kid and I didn't know what to do with the feelings I couldn't describe or understand. But there were always plenty of Oreos or Frosted Flakes in the cupboard. They were an effective dimmer switch on those uncomfortable, unfathomable emotions. So now, and probably for the rest of my life, there will always be a conflict in me between feeling and numbing. It seems like I default into numbing more often than not, but "no effort of attention is ever wasted." (Another of those sticky sentences.) Whenever I pay attention to this inner conflict -- just looking, not trying to win, I'm making space for Grace to work. I'm experiencing truth. I'm grounded in reality. It's not the transcendent, victorious dream I hope for when I'm disembodied. It's better.
 
"When a contradiction is impossible to resolve except by a lie, then we know that it is really a door."
 
It's better because it's a door into a possibility greater than anything we can accomplish by will power.
 
"All absolutely pure goodness completely eludes the will."
 
Being grounded in reality through attention provide the benefit of slowing one down, hindering rash, automatic behaviors, but an even greater outcome is the posture towards Grace that opens previously locked doors into possibilities unimagined.
​
0 Comments

Apocalypse all the Way Down

3/4/2018

0 Comments

 
“Christians are usually sincere and well-intentioned people until you get to any real issues of ego, control power, money, and security. Then they tend to be pretty much like everybody else. We are often given a bogus version of the Gospel, and the result has been the spiritual disaster of "Christian" countries that tend to be as consumer-oriented, proud, warlike, racist and class conscious as everybody else - and often more so, I'm afraid. “

​~ Richard Rohr

 
Christendom works like a mask. We can look in the mirror, see our Christian mask and feel good about ourselves, justified in our condemnations of others. All the while our fearful, consume-and-make waste ways are hidden from view. But the bitter fruit keeps appearing... in the neighborhood across town. 
 
The Way of Jesus, however, unlike Christendom, is apocalypse all the way down, exposing hypocrisy and greed, and pointing to the Shalom that follows.
0 Comments

July 01st, 2017

7/1/2017

0 Comments

 
But what if God is a mirror reflecting back to us the divine within, and when we look into that mirror we see both the image of God and the distorted, separate self and long to be integrated.

Religion "religio" as re-ligamenting through the revelation of truth/beauty. It can feel like condemnation, but it is in fact an invitation devoid of condemnation.

0 Comments

The Our Father Revisited

5/6/2017

0 Comments

 
Abba of the world
Everywhere, ever present
Beautiful are your ways
Thy loving presence reign
Awakening hearts and minds to the sacredness of everything and every one
This day is gift
We give thanks for the abundance as we make sure that every one has what they need
We have been forgiven for more than we know
So we assume that our enemies don't know what they're doing
Give us a taste of the bitterness of accusation, eyes to see the illusion of separation
Break the chains that keep us small and afraid and convinced of the necessity of violence


For your Kin-dom power is in weakness
Your glory love everlasting

Amen


0 Comments

What Story are You Living?

4/21/2016

0 Comments

 
"I can not answer the question, 'What ought I to do?' unless I first answer the question, 'Of which story am I a part?'"

Alasdair MacIntyre 
After Virtue


Even a moral version of the American Dream Story makes a virtue of hoarding (as responsible planning), a virtue of war (protecting national interests), and a virtue of isolation (I take care of mine, you take care of yours). 

The story I find myself in dictates the virtues that I develop.

What sort of virtues does Jesus's picture of the Kingdom of God inspire?

0 Comments

Giving Thomas Merton the Last Word, with Nods to Simone Weil, Walker Percy, and George Harrison

4/11/2015

0 Comments

 
Ordinary consciousness usually amounts to the inner experience of like/dislike, which is very human and understandable, but also extremely limiting. The important issue is whether or not I can pay attention even when there's no natural attraction. Can I look and really see, can I listen and really hear?

This capacity is what makes the way of Jesus possible. To look at the person whom I dislike, past the anger, addiction, ideology, whatever... the stink of living on the streets... to look and listen until I see their humanity, hear their story, and receive the blessing of being near a divine image bearer, this is the Way which is larger than the normal way. The normal could be called the way of personal preferences.

One can prepare to walk on the "narrow way," which ironically happens to be far more expansive than the "wide way," by practicing the choice of attention. (Simone Weil has argued persuasively that attention is really the only choice that we have. Every time we think that we are choosing is illusory, it's just the gravity of all the forces, societal and unconscious, that pull us to an inevitable, almost predictable end. Our one "Grace" is the ability, only in the present moment, to look and to listen, to pay attention.)

Developing this gift is the "narrow way that leads to salvation," that is, healing and freedom.

Healing from the "great suck of self," (Walker Percy) which leads to addiction, blindness, isolation, violence, and pettiness -- the I, Me, Mine in the George Harrison song.

And freedom to discover the infinite and beautiful hidden in the most surprising places, and people. Freedom to risk and fail, to learn and grow.

The first step onto the narrow way is noticing my personal preferences. Just noticing them without judgement. And then, as I feel able, turn towards rather then away from what is right in front of me, even when turning away is my first instinct. Look, listen, pay attention. See it as if for the first time. Let myself become curious about and humble before the great mystery hidden in everything and everyone.

The Way is always opening up before me in the ordinary circumstances of life, which is why it is essential that I continue to develop the skill of attention.

Thomas Merton pictured it thusly: "We are living in a world that is absolutely transparent and God is shining through it all the time. God manifests Himself everywhere, in everything - in people and in things and in nature and in events . . . The only thing is we don't see it. . . . I have no program for this seeing. It is only given. But the gate of heaven is everywhere."






0 Comments

Living Without Conclusions

7/5/2014

4 Comments

 
O God, who are you?
O God, who am I?
--A prayer attributed to St. Francis

Living these questions without coming to conclusions. This is the antidote to idolatry and self deception.

Because there is no comprehending God -- that is, containing, grasping, measuring, describing -- all conclusions about God are misleading. (Even, for example, if we can agree that "God is love," the conclusions we come to about that truth are not THE truth. God's love is an eternally unfolding, incomprehensible mystery. Our "job" is to contemplate it, to make ourselves vulnerable to its transformative presence, not to define it.)

We also, as beings created in the image of God and "hidden in Christ," are virtually fathomless. At the very least, if we're honest, we are mysteries to ourselves and each other.
The conclusions that we come to about ourselves and each other are the root of injustice, isolation, fear, violence, etc. etc.

Is it possible to live without coming to conclusions? I believe so. And not only possible, but necessary and liberating. It is also the way of humility and childlike wonder which is the doorway to the kingdom of heaven. 

Conclusions can be rejected. They can be put in their place, which is, at best, partial understandings. When seen in this way they become what they really are, building blocks. Or maybe conclusions are more accurately described as merely raw material: manure, straw, and water that make up the adobe bricks that form the mission church that are meant to hint at God's glory. They endure the desert sun for a couple hundred years before crumbling back into the soil.

Practically speaking, the rejection of conclusions is simply good science. Recognizing that when I am attached to a particular result, I will get that result, or something like it that supports an unexamined preference. 

We will always have blind spots and limited vision. But the regular practice of the prayer "who are you and who am I?" helps keep the heart and mind from grasping and clinging to the comforts of partial conclusions, which by their very incompleteness, are false and misleading.

I am not suggesting that we are incapable of knowledge of God or of our ourselves. Nor am I suggesting that everyone needs to become a rigorous philosopher, ruthlessly examining every thought. Probably what I mean to do here is explore inklings of a way of being in the world. 

It's been said that "unanswered questions are far less dangerous than unquestioned answers." It feels like we as a global society are living the harmful results of unquestioned answers, and the more anxiety we feel the more tempted we become to jump to conclusions that promise solutions. 

But we are the problem that we face. At the same time, we are not problems to be solved, we, like God whose image we bear, are mysteries to be contemplated. And this is a slow, humble, self emptying process. Openness to mystery, not mastery through power and knowledge. 

There is a kind of knowing that comes from contemplation, but it is so deeply integrated and contextualized that it can't be separated from the individual. The individual can be pictured as a single facet on the face of the luminous divine diamond, containing a part of a Whole that is the truth/beauty that cannot be expressed with words.

It's okay not to know, to be mystified and confused. The danger is in letting the discomfort of human limitation drive you to conclusions about God rather than into the presence of God.

4 Comments

Man in the Mirror

6/28/2014

0 Comments

 
Becoming increasingly aware of my inner life has been challenging. On the one hand there is a real power of self control that becomes possible only when I notice things like resentment and envy before those feelings become actions or dispositions. I can choose to hold my tongue or notice the plank in my own eye before I say or do something harmful to another, or myself.

On the other hand, this awareness doesn't immediately change who I am -- a person who thinks and feels terrible things. Awareness is an important part of the grace that results in transformation, but only an early stage of the process. And part of the reason we don't continue on the path is that the experience of confronting one's inner reality on a daily basis is very unpleasant, to say the least.

While I'm genuinely glad to have the option of reflection and restraint, I'm equally tired of living with the limited point of view that leads to harsh judgments of others, and my attachment to comfort and security which leaves me feeling competitive over scarce resources, rather than light hearted and generous.

This line from Yongey Mingyur Rinponche says it well, "Ultimately, happiness comes down to choosing between the discomfort of becoming aware of your mental afflictions and the discomfort of being ruled by them."

0 Comments

The Ministry of Listening, Dietrich Bonhoeffer

1/15/2014

0 Comments

 
“The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God’s love for us that He not only gives us His Word but also lends us His ear.

So it is His work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him. Christians, especially ministers, so often think they must always contribute something when they are in the company of others, that this is the one service they have to render. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking.

Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking where they should be listening. But he who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God too.

This is the beginning of the death of the spiritual life, and in the end there is nothing left but spiritual chatter and clerical condescension arrayed in pious words. One who cannot listen long and patiently will presently be talking beside the point and be never really speaking to others, albeit he be not conscious of it. Anyone who thinks that his time is too valuable to spend keeping quiet will eventually have no time for God and his brother, but only for himself and for his own follies.”

–Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together
0 Comments

Not the Whole Story

10/2/2013

0 Comments

 
"The key pathology of our time which seduces us all, is the reduction of the imagination so that we're too numb, satiated or co-opted to do serious imaginative work."

--Walter Bruggeman

One can let the imagination tell its repetitive, fear based stories or grandiose dreams about possible futures, but even if those things happen they are still not the whole story. By inviting God to come along side as I pay attention to my worst-case-scenario narrative, I can begin to let God be God and listen for an alternative story. God's story will include a larger horizon with more faith, hope and love; and someone other than me will be at the center.
0 Comments
<<Previous

    David Norling

    I am the awestruckdumbpilgrim

    Archives

    February 2019
    March 2018
    July 2017
    May 2017
    April 2016
    April 2015
    July 2014
    June 2014
    January 2014
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.