The Art of Pastoral Listening - Leadership Books - ChristianityTodayLibrary.com
The Art of Pastoral Listening
Doug Self
It's not saying the right things but listening in the right way that's crucial to personal visitation.
—Doug Self
I would see Ed and Elaine at church or in the community. They were friendly; I was friendly. But we didn't get into extended conversations. I had heard they were having serious marital problems. The wife, in fact, had inquired about counseling with me, but the husband had been restive.
I knew I wasn't going to take the initiative. At best, they would demand months of counseling. At worst, I feared that I couldn't help them at all.
So on we went: I knew, and they knew, and we all pretended that we didn't know. I sometimes felt guilty for not visiting them. Nonetheless, I put it off—for years.
My pastoral responsibilities include visitation. In fact, I've experienced some success in this part of ministry. But I still find myself apprehensive about visiting people.
Why? Because I'm afraid I won't say the right thing at the right time. Maybe I won't say the appropriate word to calm the grieving widow or counter the objection of the unbeliever, or know what to say during seemingly pointless conversation.
I can overcome such fear in one of two ways. I can learn to say always the right thing at the right time, but let's face it, that's never going to happen. Or I can realize that it's not saying the right things but listening in the right way that's crucial to personal visitation.
I'll take the latter, and not because it's easier. Actually, good listening can be grueling. But when I focus on listening to another, it takes the pressure off me. I become less concerned about me and more about the person I'm listening to. I don't come as an expert ready to spew forth, but as a learner seeking to discover.
The Art of Pastoral Listening
Doug Self
It's not saying the right things but listening in the right way that's crucial to personal visitation.
—Doug Self
I would see Ed and Elaine at church or in the community. They were friendly; I was friendly. But we didn't get into extended conversations. I had heard they were having serious marital problems. The wife, in fact, had inquired about counseling with me, but the husband had been restive.
I knew I wasn't going to take the initiative. At best, they would demand months of counseling. At worst, I feared that I couldn't help them at all.
So on we went: I knew, and they knew, and we all pretended that we didn't know. I sometimes felt guilty for not visiting them. Nonetheless, I put it off—for years.
My pastoral responsibilities include visitation. In fact, I've experienced some success in this part of ministry. But I still find myself apprehensive about visiting people.
Why? Because I'm afraid I won't say the right thing at the right time. Maybe I won't say the appropriate word to calm the grieving widow or counter the objection of the unbeliever, or know what to say during seemingly pointless conversation.
I can overcome such fear in one of two ways. I can learn to say always the right thing at the right time, but let's face it, that's never going to happen. Or I can realize that it's not saying the right things but listening in the right way that's crucial to personal visitation.
I'll take the latter, and not because it's easier. Actually, good listening can be grueling. But when I focus on listening to another, it takes the pressure off me. I become less concerned about me and more about the person I'm listening to. I don't come as an expert ready to spew forth, but as a learner seeking to discover.
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